Every now and then I feel overwhelmed by insight (? well I can hope I´m capable of this). I have no idea how to describe this. It´s like being hit by truth. Like – really hard, like a jolt. Takes my breath away. It makes me see something so clearly I´m amazed I haven´t realized it before. All of a sudden it just seems SO CLEAR, SO OBVIOUS. I feel almost incredibly stupid and incompetent for NOT having seen this before. And I think EVERYBODY else must already know this. I´ve just been slow to catch up.
Anyways, I kinda see a connection and realize something really significant that I believe will help me become a whole person.
This weekend I was struggling so hard trying to sort out a whole bunch of emotions, thougts and memories. It was a mess, painful, stressful, and it was so frustrating not being able to untangle this knot. I almost crumbled and fell into a familiar despair, and the usual strategies for not really dealing.
The whole thing was triggered by something that brought back painful memories and feelings, and it was difficult to process what was happening.
I think what eventually helped untangle the situation a bit was that I realized that only parts of the chaos was mine, the other part, confusing me and contributing to my chaos, belonged to someone else. My bit is my chaos, my own life, experiences etc. The other part that is not mine, is just that – not mine. That helped, after a while.
The insight this presented goes something like this:
In order to be something for someone else – a support, a good friend, a strong support, a solid person, someone to hold on to, to lean against, a comfort, a safe place – I have to be all of that, for me.
If I can´t stand on solid ground in my own life, if I don´t trust that I can give myself that level of comfort, I can´t be a comfort to someone else.
I don´t mean that I can´t be a good friend, supportive and helpful, and deal with everyday issues and minor troubles. But when life becomes too serious, too scary, I have to have a solid foundation. Otherwise I crumble. Or I avoid because I don´t know what to do – failing both myself and the person I`d like to be there for. I think this would also deprive me of situations that could make me feel more connected, more whole.
But if I crumble, while trying to be supportive, well – that just isn´t sustainable. And that won´t make me, I dunno, a pillar of strength. I think it could make me scared, insecure, and it could make me question whether anything I do can actually do ANY GOOD (way too familiar).
It think it is nerve-racking and so hard to see someone you care about in pain, struggling, suffering. I hate to feel helpless, powerless. I want to fix, heal, comfort, remove. But I can´t force someone to do, think or feel something, remove another person´s pain, or be so desperate to help that I loose myself. Self-preservation isn´t selfish. It´s self-help.
I guess the key word is «balance».
This was quite the weekend. Lesson´s still going on, never stop learning… Never stop breathing.
Here are some of the things that helped me through the weekend:
Also Greg Laswell`s «How the day sounds» with a dancing hobbit 🙂 – from previous post, click here and scroll down for music.
And owls – from a previous post. For some weird reason.